I was going to talk about green peppers today...

Today's entry was going to be about all the green peppers I just picked, and what I was going to do with them all, but my mind is on something else today.

Last year at this time, the weather was getting cooler and I needed to go out and collect birch bark to start fires in our wood stove. I had recently heard that my sister was back in town, so I thought I would invite her out to the house to go play in the woods with me and to have lunch.  I was very excited to spend time with her again, as I had heard she was really struggling and that her son had been in a terrible accident. My sister and I had not been in contact for a really long time, and I was anxious to reconnect.

You see, my sister was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder and depression among other things.  We were very close growing up, but had drifted apart as her symptoms started to show.  I had moved away from home and so had she.  In 2001 I had moved back to my home town and we quickly rekindled our sisterhood.  It didn't take long before I realized just how bad her condition was, and being a single mother with three daughters, I just couldn't risk exposing them to her erratic behaviors.  I did not understand the battles she was fighting, and to be honest, it scared the crap out of me.  I quickly turned my back on her.  She ended up moving away, and we completely lost touch.  Then, last year, I made the phone call when I heard she was back in town.

She was going to come over, and I was so excited.  I had learned much about her disorder, and I was sure that I could be a better sister to her.  My children were all grown and I had time to be there for her.  I told her how sorry I was for turning my back on her and that I hoped she would forgive me.  We cried on the phone and she said that she loved me, and that I was a blessing.  We were going to get another chance to be family, again.  I spent the day cleaning the house, and getting groceries and plans were made that I would pick her up the next morning.     

Early the next morning my phone rang.

I knew, as soon as I looked at the caller ID. It was my stepmom.  I knew, before I even answered.  I knew.

My funny, smart, beautiful sister was gone.

 I was so glad that she and I had that last conversation.  I am so thankful that I was given the chance to tell her I loved her and how sorry I was.  I am thankful that I had done the research to understand a little better just how tortured she was.

So my message today is that if you know someone that is battling mental illness, or depression, please, PLEASE tell them you love them, and if you think for  a second that they may hurt themselves, call 911.  Also, do the research to understand what they are going through.  It is not a "choice." Their actions are usually a call for help.  Learn what healthy boundaries you need to set, and what their care plan is.  most of all, don't judge.  People are not judged for cancer or heart attacks, why should they be judged for a brain that was wired up wrong?

So, if you wanted to hear about green peppers today, I'm sorry. We will have to save that for another day  :)

R.I.P. Tracey